Wednesday, September 30, 2009

James Martin's Mole Saga


TV cook James Martin has already boasted about how he likes watching the look of “sheer terror” on cyclists’ faces as he forces them into hedgerows.

Now he has his cross-hairs set on a harmless bunch of moles plaguing his local football field – and they’re not even wearing lycra.

He is stumping up cash to help pay for a professional mole killer to cull the black, velvety-furred creatures near his mansion in Stoke Charity, Hampshire.

Wonston parish council asked him to help out, and the carrot-chopper whipped out his chequebook quicker than you can say guaca-mole, mole marinieres, mole-saka, or jam moley-poly for that matter.

But no, Martin is no cook on the wild side and has no plans to flambé them. He just wants the field de-moled so it’s as flat as one of his soufflés.

“Whatever I can do to help out with the playing field and make it safe for the kids to play is great. I have no idea how many moles he will catch,” he leers.

“But they won’t be stuck on sticks or sautéed!”

Wonston parish councillor Gaye Finn-Kelcey was clearly relieved, adding: “I’m very glad to hear that James won’t be skewering them because moles don’t taste nice.

“Even our cat which used to bring moles into the house didn’t eat them.”

Meanwhile, Martin has been bragging about Saturday Kitchen, claiming it has just got its highest ever viewing figures with “a 33% share of the viewing audience and 2.5 million viewers tuning in to watch the show.”

“It has also been commissioned for a further two years, so thanks for all your support with the show and here’s to a 100 more (sic)!” he says.

Oh Christ, I hope not.

9 comments:

Melinda said...

Lennie, just turn your TV off. You don't have to listen to him.
But I understand the love to hate TV personality and being sucked into that vortex of evil. I really don't like Tim Lovejoy (is he really that stupid?), but I still seem to watch the damn programme.

dominic said...

He'll be after this lot next - although I could think of a few Egyptian goose recipes, few apricots, cardamon...
http://www.independent.co.uk/environment/nature/britains-naturalised-parrot-now-officially-a-pest-1795555.html

Lennie Nash said...

Dear Melinda,

Strange isn't it, I quite like Tim Lovejoy. Bit of an arrogant arse in real life, but far from stupid.

Lennie

Lennie Nash said...

Dear Dominic,

Nice link. Thanks for that.

Cheers

Lennie

Douglas Blyde said...

There was a sycophantic interview with Monsieur Martin on R2 yesterday afternoon. I suppose one should braise the moles after baking in clay to remove said 'velvety' fur.

Lennie Nash said...

Ah Douglas,

Thanks for that; I missed that interview. Will try to find it on iplayer.

Fantastic suggestion for dealing with moles. I suppose once the baked clay has teased the velvety fur off, you can treat them just like hedgehogs? Mole au pot perhaps?

What choice of red did you raise to Keith Floyd, sir?

All the best,

Lennie

Douglas Blyde said...

I toasted with burgundy whilst enduring a barbecued grouse fest...

Lennie Nash said...

That sounds fucking marvelous!

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