Raw Food Smoothies And Live Frogs

Last week I told you about the green smoothies I’ve been making, which came about after I took a wrong turn at the end of the corridor and found myself in a vegan raw food class rather than a ‘how to make your own cider press’ workshop.

For 19 long days now I’ve been having a raw food smoothie every morning, and I do feel quite good. Although, as I said last time, it is really about being able to spend the rest of the day downing booze and smoking fags relatively guilt-free, knowing that I have had my blast of vitamins for the day, and therefore will live forever, and not be struck down by some foul disease.

Ok, hands up. I do admit the recipe I gave you last time was fairly disgusting, and it did come under fire from a fair few food writers, not least Trish Deseine (@TrishDeseine), who was horrified to learn I was putting raw kale in there, and demanded video evidence that I was actually drinking them, and Lotte Duncan (@lotteduncan), who said she would much rather just stick to her margaritas.

I found it a little unfair because although my ‘wonderful earth smoothie’ did leave a lot to be desired in the taste and texture stakes, it was certainly not the worst health-boosting smoothie I’ve ever come across.

That was in the Colca Canyon, in Peru, when I spotted a load of villagers queuing up at a stall. When I got closer I saw a man pulling objects out of a small aquarium, chopping them up, and putting them in a blender. The smoothie was a strange pinkish colour and wasn’t altogether too pleasing on the eye.

Creeping further still, I could see that it was live frogs he was blitzing. The villagers downed the liquid in turn, and some even looked like they were enjoying it. Apparently, they believed the frog smoothie helped ward off flu and chest infections.

Anyway, I’m going off the point slightly because my whole mission over the past week has been to try to find a way of making green smoothies more palatable, and with the description above I’ve probably completely put you off, and you are no longer reading.

So I started thinking about raw foods and what I could put in to make the smoothies taste better. Then I realised my favourite raw food in the world is oysters. In fact, it is probably true to say that oysters are my favourite food in the world. No vinegar, no Tabasco, no lemon. Just as nature intended. In fact, is there any better food this side of Mars?

I’d bought a couple of delicious Irish oysters the night before, and then as I opened the fridge, my heart sinking at the thought of that morning’s raw food smoothie, a golden light shone out and I realised what I needed to do. Shuck the bastards and chuck them in. And the result was out of this world! And what a wonderful colour to boot – as green as leprechaun’s piss, so it was.

Well, it was a massive improvement on last week’s smoothie anyway. Although that wasn’t too difficult. But I’m being unfair, because it really was quite drinkable and the zinc and sea water helped cut through the taste of the raw kale.

I know that any vegans reading might be offended, and I know the militant veggies who were in the ‘living in the raw’ class I went to by mistake will definitely be disgusted, but oysters ARE raw, and I really couldn’t care less what they think anyway (the vegans, not the oysters). Go on try it – it’s really not that bad. I know I said that last time, but go on, seriously, give it a go...

The Green As Leprechaun’s Piss Smoothie

Two oysters
Four young kale leaves
Two spinach leaves
Three asparagus spears
Handful of rocket leaves
Two small eating apples, cored
Squeeze of lemon juice
Few drops Worcester sauce
Salt and pepper
1/2 pint water

Shuck the oysters (if you haven’t got an oyster knife, I find a screwdriver works very well, but careful with your hands) and put the meat and liquor into a blender. Add the rest of the ingredients and blitz until smooth and wonderfully green. Drink at once (before you change your mind).